What I Am Needs No excuses :)

Being alone after 40 is not easy….being with someone just to run away from loneliness can be so knotty!!

I have to admit that as I grow older some of my habits have become little obsessions and obsessions are not the kind of things you can easily get rid of….to be honest, they are things I just don’t want to get rid of.

Let’s take for example my pillows. I have two and they are MINE, I don’t want to share one pillow, I need my two pillows or else I can’t sleep…or maybe I can, but they are mine.

(Yes, I know he can bring his own pillow, but what if it means he will stay longer than I wish? I really don’t want that)

My side of the bed, same thing! Why should I change sides if I love sleeping where I sleep? (Oh! so he sleeps on the right side of his bed, too? Then, go home and sleep there LOL)

At this point you might think I’m a witch, and perhaps I am, so refrain from reading what comes next because there is a huge chance you prove yourself right ha ha ha.

It took me a long time to learn I don’t have please others all the time to make them happy if by doing so I am not. I used to have this crazy idea that people wouldn’t love me if I dared to contradict them. I was so afraid of being alone that many times I did things I didn’t want to do, or said things I didn’t mean or feel. The thing is that those who were meant to go away did it anyway, and there was nothing I could do to make them stay; hence, pleasing others for the sake of not being alone doesn’t work at all.

This fact brings me to the person I am today, my own special creation.

I met this guy once, nice person I must say. Romantic, considerate, sweet. So far so good, right? Wait! let me re-read what I wrote…ermmm I must have said: way too romantic, annoyingly considerate and extremely cloying (not to mention hyper emotional)

Nice eyes, though.

Let’s go over one of our conversations:

(Situation 1: A Wednesday morning, we were going to spend the morning together and have lunch, but he couldn’t come)

Ringggg Ringgggg

Me: Hello?

Him: Hi, sniff.

Me: Hey. What’s wrong?

Him: I’m so sad I couldn’t go today.

Me: Well, don’t worry. We have many Wednesdays ahead.

Him: I know, but I feel miserable. I really wanted to see you. sniff. Aren’t you sad?

Me: Well, I’m not sad. I understand you couldn’t make it today.

Him: You aren’t? Oh, but I thought…. Why are you so mean with me?

Me: Uh?

I wasn’t mean. I wasn’t even rude! I was honest, wich is not the same. What should I have said? Ohhhh baby, I’m so sad! I can’t live another minute without you!! I’m not a liar (as a matter of fact, it was great he didn’t come since I had so many things to do in the middle of the week)

I don’t want to be polite if politeness leads to give wrong expectations. I don’t need to answer questions I didn’t want to be asked in first place, and put me at the edge of rudeness. Say what you want, but don’t ask me to replay. Please?

Help me here by choosing the correct answer::

1) I miss you. Do you miss me?

A) No (which makes me a bitch)

B) Yes (which makes me a liar)

C) I haven’t thought about it (which is a clear message I don’t have an answer)

D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)

2) I love you. Do you love me?

A) Not at all (which makes me a bitch, but an honest one)

B) Yes (which makes me a liar)

C) I haven’t thought about it (which is a clear message I don’t)

D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)

3) I want to spend the WHOLE weekend with you, what do you think?

A) In your dreams! (I have a life, go get one for yourself. I need some rest)

B) Yes, I’d love it (lie, I will call it off later)

C) Well, not the 3 days. I’ve already made plans with my friends for Friday (which is true, though too devastating for him)

D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)

4) From 0 to 10, how much do you love me? Miss me? Need me?

A) Well, let me think……. (any number but 10 will hurt him)

B) I think 5 (bring his pills)

C) I don’t think in terms of numbers (good excuse!)

D) Why on earth are you asking this girlie question? (which means I won’t answer a question that even a teenager wouldn’t ask.Grow up, ok?)

(Situation 2. Friday night. I’m having a great time with my friends who I haven’t seen in months!)

SMS 1: I’m thinking of you. (cute! Kiss)

SMS 2: I’m happy you are having a great time. (thanks, I really need my friends)

SMS 3: I miss you. I wanted to be with you. (we will be together tomorrow)

SMS 4: I wish you were here with me, but you preferred your friends 😦 (no answer)

SMS 5: WoW! You must be very entertained. Why don’t you answer? (because I’m with my friends and it is not polite to spend all my time with them answering your text messages)

SMS 6: I only wanted to be alone with you ok?. Sorry if that bothers you. (your behavior bothers me even more)

SMS 7: You don’t love me, do you? (no answer)

SMS 8: I think you didn’t get my previous txt. You don’t love me, do you? (I don’t)

SMS 9: You are so cruel!! (and you are so….)

SMS 10: so? What do you mean? (no answer, I’m not rude)

Some days after we broke up, he told many women would be thankful to have someone like him around. He also said he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to appreciate the fact of having him in my life. What a shame!

Should I answer?

First, I’m 40. I provide for my kids, I work more than 50 hours a week. I pay my bills (or not, but they are my bills). I clean my house and I cook. I’m educated, good friend, good person and not too ugly. People should be thankful for having met me! LOL

I’m sweet, romantic and considerate if I don’t get 1000 stupid text messages from a whining guy on a Friday night!

Why is it so wrong to act according to my will and not according to the others? Why if I don’t want to share my pillow, or if I don’t want to lie just to make others happy. Saying “I love you” is such a huge thing, and I only say it if I feel it.

It shouldn’t be so knotty, but it is. Being with someone again at my age to avoid loneliness could be a pain in the….neck.

By the way, I won’t try to escape anymore. Being alone is so good sometimes.

I love my two pillows and the right side of my bed.


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