I’ve been walking along a path of shadows and dull lights for ever since I felt he was walking away. That’s how I got to this bifurcation where I’m standing frozen, unable to take a step and trying to make a connection between my heart and my mind, the reason and the emotions…. I wonder if it will be possible any time soon.
Which path should I take? He is long gone and I know I must go on with my life, but then, the path to forgetfulness may be too rough, too painful, and too long. I’ve been into this love for so long that letting it go now makes me tremble with fear. I’m still carrying a heavy load in my heart… all my memories, my expectations and broken dreams. Would I leave behind part of this aching burden as I walk to my future? Would it be always with me as a reminder of what it couldn’t be? I wish I could find the answer.
The other path it’s just a roundabout which will take me to the place I am now…completely alone, loving an impossible and dreaming dreams that no longer belong to me; however, it’s a path I know very well, I know where each stone stands and where the bends become more dangerous….. it will hurt, but it’s a pain I’m used to living with.
Perhaps I should stay still for a while…I may not ready to go anywhere yet.
Now, about my days in Durazno. I had such a good time there! We went to the Calls Parade, we got together with friends, we walked to the camping site to see the groups preparing the drums for The Calls and then Dami and I chatted for hours and hours, we had so much to catching up with that the morning seemed to have broken sooner than ever. Have I told you he’s living almost alone in the middle of the country side and I’ve been alone for more than two years? Boy, we really needed to talk!!! (I imagine Ruth’s face when reading this LOL, behave girl!)
I was about to become sad because I had to come back home when Dami got a phone call saying he didn’t have to work until Tuesday, so he decided to come to my place for some days…he left yesterday night.
I really like having him around, but you should have seen my son’s eyes when he saw Dami.
– Can he stay to play with me? Can he? Can he? Pleaseeeeeeeeee?
Damian has always spent long hours playing with Manu. Every time he’s here, Manuel monopolizes him and Dami lets him do it with so much love. I’ve heard him whispering “I love you Manu” when taking him to sleep in his arms and I know he really does.
On the other hand, Sebastian, my older son, enjoys when Dami comes too. Why? Because he prepares BIG meals that only they can finish!!! And because he takes side with Seba against me to make him laugh and to make me angry….. I enjoy all that parody, we all do.
Going back to the paths…though I laughed a lot all these days and I felt loved and less lonely, this experience also made me realize that I’m not ready to leave my love story behind no matter how much I need to.
I had all the time the sour feeling of being unfaithful to Uriel. I know I wasn’t. There’s no longer a relationship to respect, but still, my heart and my mind are disconnected and my heart seems to rule.
What do you think? Should I take the first step to a new life? Should I forget? Will I be able to do it?