I AiN’t MiSsInG YoU At aLL

I’ve been walking along a path of shadows and dull lights for ever since I felt he was walking away. That’s how I got to this bifurcation where I’m standing frozen, unable to take a step and trying to make a connection between my heart and my mind, the reason and the emotions…. I wonder if it will be possible any time soon.
Which path should I take? He is long gone and I know I must go on with my life, but then, the path to forgetfulness may be too rough, too painful, and too long. I’ve been into this love for so long that letting it go now makes me tremble with fear. I’m still carrying a heavy load in my heart… all my memories, my expectations and broken dreams. Would I leave behind part of this aching burden as I walk to my future? Would it be always with me as a reminder of what it couldn’t be? I wish I could find the answer.
The other path it’s just a roundabout which will take me to the place I am now…completely alone, loving an impossible and dreaming dreams that no longer belong to me; however, it’s a path I know very well, I know where each stone stands and where the bends become more dangerous….. it will hurt, but it’s a pain I’m used to living with.
Perhaps I should stay still for a while…I may not ready to go anywhere yet.

Now, about my days in Durazno. I had such a good time there! We went to the Calls Parade, we got together with friends, we walked to the camping site to see the groups preparing the drums for The Calls and then Dami and I chatted for hours and hours, we had so much to catching up with that the morning seemed to have broken sooner than ever. Have I told you he’s living almost alone in the middle of the country side and I’ve been alone for more than two years? Boy, we really needed to talk!!! (I imagine Ruth’s face when reading this LOL, behave girl!)
I was about to become sad because I had to come back home when Dami got a phone call saying he didn’t have to work until Tuesday, so he decided to come to my place for some days…he left yesterday night.
I really like having him around, but you should have seen my son’s eyes when he saw Dami.
– Can he stay to play with me? Can he? Can he? Pleaseeeeeeeeee?
Damian has always spent long hours playing with Manu. Every time he’s here, Manuel monopolizes him and Dami lets him do it with so much love. I’ve heard him whispering “I love you Manu” when taking him to sleep in his arms and I know he really does.
On the other hand, Sebastian, my older son, enjoys when Dami comes too. Why? Because he prepares BIG meals that only they can finish!!! And because he takes side with Seba against me to make him laugh and to make me angry….. I enjoy all that parody, we all do.

Going back to the paths…though I laughed a lot all these days and I felt loved and less lonely, this experience also made me realize that I’m not ready to leave my love story behind no matter how much I need to.
I had all the time the sour feeling of being unfaithful to Uriel. I know I wasn’t. There’s no longer a relationship to respect, but still, my heart and my mind are disconnected and my heart seems to rule.
What do you think? Should I take the first step to a new life? Should I forget? Will I be able to do it?

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18 Comments

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18 responses to “I AiN’t MiSsInG YoU At aLL

  1. Martín

    WoW! clap clap clap clap … its destinys path!

  2. Martín

    WoW! clap clap clap clap … its destinys path!

  3. RUTH

    Analia; how well you know me! I did have a little smile to read about all the “talking” you’ve been doing and I’m really happy that your visit to the Calls gave you much to smile about even if a little sadness crept in too (only natural). Mick is just rousing so I have no time to comment further…I’ll email you later.
    {{{hugs}}}
    Rx

  4. RUTHhttp://ruthjen.blogspot.com/

    Analia; how well you know me! I did have a little smile to read about all the “talking” you’ve been doing and I’m really happy that your visit to the Calls gave you much to smile about even if a little sadness crept in too (only natural). Mick is just rousing so I have no time to comment further…I’ll email you later.
    {{{hugs}}}
    Rx

  5. RUTH

    Analia; how well you know me! I did have a little smile to read about all the “talking” you’ve been doing and I’m really happy that your visit to the Calls gave you much to smile about even if a little sadness crept in too (only natural). Mick is just rousing so I have no time to comment further…I’ll email you later.
    {{{hugs}}}
    Rx

  6. Audrey

    Analia (((((((welcome back)))))))

    So good to hear you had a good time at the falls despite the sadness…..go girl x

    Paths? You are already on a path, you have love, you are love..its more than our feelings, its an attitude that continues to give and remain open even when its hard to do that. Love, walks with us it shares our dream and works to build it together,it neither abandons us nor does it ask us to stay in a land where we sit and wait in hope, it walks beside our hopes, happy to keep step, it build us, strengthens us, wants to warm us, not keep us in the frozen wastelands of empty promise…Your love is precious Analia, a gift you give freely, give it to one who treasures it like his own heart. Forgetting is not always easy or possible, why should we forget something that we once held dear??, but feed your love with love and you may just find that those feelings fade, change and no longer have the power to keep you frozen for any length of time..Take a risk, walk tall, and let what you truly deserve find you….its out there looking for someone like you right this minute..Love, your soulmate even..make sure your looking in the right direction when he finds you x x

  7. Audrey

    Analia (((((((welcome back)))))))

    So good to hear you had a good time at the falls despite the sadness…..go girl x

    Paths? You are already on a path, you have love, you are love..its more than our feelings, its an attitude that continues to give and remain open even when its hard to do that. Love, walks with us it shares our dream and works to build it together,it neither abandons us nor does it ask us to stay in a land where we sit and wait in hope, it walks beside our hopes, happy to keep step, it build us, strengthens us, wants to warm us, not keep us in the frozen wastelands of empty promise…Your love is precious Analia, a gift you give freely, give it to one who treasures it like his own heart. Forgetting is not always easy or possible, why should we forget something that we once held dear??, but feed your love with love and you may just find that those feelings fade, change and no longer have the power to keep you frozen for any length of time..Take a risk, walk tall, and let what you truly deserve find you….its out there looking for someone like you right this minute..Love, your soulmate even..make sure your looking in the right direction when he finds you x x

  8. Audrey

    Calls I meant not falls lol x x Much strength to you Analia

  9. Audrey

    Calls I meant not falls lol x x Much strength to you Analia

  10. Carlos

    Hi Analia,
    I visited you about a week ago just before this post. I got very curious because of the “coming soon” message. Now I have read what you wrote and I couldn’t avoid feeling so sad. I probably shouldn’t but it reminded of me. I think no one can help; you’re the only person that can help you. I don’t know what happened to you, but one thing is for sure: you can’t live stucked to past.
    Well, I hope I’m not being intrusive.

  11. Carlos

    Hi Analia,
    I visited you about a week ago just before this post. I got very curious because of the “coming soon” message. Now I have read what you wrote and I couldn’t avoid feeling so sad. I probably shouldn’t but it reminded of me. I think no one can help; you’re the only person that can help you. I don’t know what happened to you, but one thing is for sure: you can’t live stucked to past.
    Well, I hope I’m not being intrusive.

  12. Analía

    you and what you have to say are always welcome here Carlos, kisses Ani

  13. Analía

    you and what you have to say are always welcome here Carlos, kisses Ani

  14. Icarus

    This is sunday night. And the air is so full to bursting of serendipities….the first is that Ihave just come off the phone from a conversation with my friend Carlos, yes the same one & only Carlos of Lisbon Weekly Photo!
    There are two more, to do with my discovery – which took my breath away – of “The Way of the World” post, on the wordpost version. I honestly have been hit so hard with too much humility & modesty to comment there, because of reading what our friends & you have said. BUT…do you see where I am? The new look? the link from wordpress? I am in HERE, it is frog-free, except for your picture ID (it does not suit you at all; Analia is NOT a frog, in any sense!). That’s one serendipity. The other….How am I going to be able to tell you………….?SXXXXXXX

  15. Icarus

    This is sunday night. And the air is so full to bursting of serendipities….the first is that Ihave just come off the phone from a conversation with my friend Carlos, yes the same one & only Carlos of Lisbon Weekly Photo!
    There are two more, to do with my discovery – which took my breath away – of “The Way of the World” post, on the wordpost version. I honestly have been hit so hard with too much humility & modesty to comment there, because of reading what our friends & you have said. BUT…do you see where I am? The new look? the link from wordpress? I am in HERE, it is frog-free, except for your picture ID (it does not suit you at all; Analia is NOT a frog, in any sense!). That’s one serendipity. The other….How am I going to be able to tell you………….?SXXXXXXX

  16. Mystic Rose

    this too i read.

    some day that hurt will go away, and you will live happily, but yes, a part of you will still miss that person. but hurting or not and missing or not, is a matter of choice too, our mind just doesnt know it until it suddenly clikcs there.

    take care! and wish you all the happiness your beautiful heart can hold!

  17. Mystic Rose

    this too i read.

    some day that hurt will go away, and you will live happily, but yes, a part of you will still miss that person. but hurting or not and missing or not, is a matter of choice too, our mind just doesnt know it until it suddenly clikcs there.

    take care! and wish you all the happiness your beautiful heart can hold!

  18. Of course! You already went to Durazno…

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