I have to admit that as I grow older some of my habits have become little obsessions and obsessions are not the kind of things you can easily get rid of….to be honest, they are things I just don’t want to get rid of.

Let’s take for example my pillows. I have two and they are MINE, I don’t want to share one pillow, I need my two pillows or else I can’t sleep…or maybe I can, but they are mine.

(Yes, I know he can bring his own pillow, but what if it means he will stay longer than I wish? I really don’t want that)

My side of the bed, same thing! Why should I change sides if I love sleeping where I sleep? (Oh! so he sleeps on the right side of his bed, too? Then, go home and sleep there LOL)

At this point you might think I’m a witch, and perhaps I am, so refrain from reading what comes next because there is a huge chance you prove yourself right ha ha ha.

It took me a long time to learn I don’t have please others all the time to make them happy if by doing so I am not. I used to have this crazy idea that people wouldn’t love me if I dared to contradict them. I was so afraid of being alone that many times I did things I didn’t want to do, or said things I didn’t mean or feel. The thing is that those who were meant to go away did it anyway, and there was nothing I could do to make them stay; hence, pleasing others for the sake of not being alone doesn’t work at all.

This fact brings me to the person I am today, my own special creation.

I met this guy once, nice person I must say. Romantic, considerate, sweet. So far so good, right? Wait! let me re-read what I wrote…ermmm I must have said: way too romantic, annoyingly considerate and extremely cloying (not to mention hyper emotional)

Nice eyes, though.

Let’s go over one of our conversations:

(Situation 1: A Wednesday morning, we were going to spend the morning together and have lunch, but he couldn’t come)

Ringggg Ringgggg

Me: Hello?

Him: Hi, sniff.

Me: Hey. What’s wrong?

Him: I’m so sad I couldn’t go today.

Me: Well, don’t worry. We have many Wednesdays ahead.

Him: I know, but I feel miserable. I really wanted to see you. sniff. Aren’t you sad?

Me: Well, I’m not sad. I understand you couldn’t make it today.

Him: You aren’t? Oh, but I thought…. Why are you so mean with me?

Me: Uh?

I wasn’t mean. I wasn’t even rude! I was honest, wich is not the same. What should I have said? Ohhhh baby, I’m so sad! I can’t live another minute without you!! I’m not a liar (as a matter of fact, it was great he didn’t come since I had so many things to do in the middle of the week)

I don’t want to be polite if politeness leads to give wrong expectations. I don’t need to answer questions I didn’t want to be asked in first place, and put me at the edge of rudeness. Say what you want, but don’t ask me to replay. Please?

Help me here by choosing the correct answer::

1) I miss you. Do you miss me?

A) No (which makes me a bitch)

B) Yes (which makes me a liar)

C) I haven’t thought about it (which is a clear message I don’t have an answer)

D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)

2) I love you. Do you love me?

A) Not at all (which makes me a bitch, but an honest one)

B) Yes (which makes me a liar)

C) I haven’t thought about it (which is a clear message I don’t)

D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)

3) I want to spend the WHOLE weekend with you, what do you think?

A) In your dreams! (I have a life, go get one for yourself. I need some rest)

B) Yes, I’d love it (lie, I will call it off later)

C) Well, not the 3 days. I’ve already made plans with my friends for Friday (which is true, though too devastating for him)

D) Why do you ask this? (which means I don’t want to answer)

4) From 0 to 10, how much do you love me? Miss me? Need me?

A) Well, let me think……. (any number but 10 will hurt him)

B) I think 5 (bring his pills)

C) I don’t think in terms of numbers (good excuse!)

D) Why on earth are you asking this girlie question? (which means I won’t answer a question that even a teenager wouldn’t ask.Grow up, ok?)

(Situation 2. Friday night. I’m having a great time with my friends who I haven’t seen in months!)

SMS 1: I’m thinking of you. (cute! Kiss)

SMS 2: I’m happy you are having a great time. (thanks, I really need my friends)

SMS 3: I miss you. I wanted to be with you. (we will be together tomorrow)

SMS 4: I wish you were here with me, but you preferred your friends (no answer)

SMS 5: WoW! You must be very entertained. Why don’t you answer? (because I’m with my friends and it is not polite to spend all my time with them answering your text messages)

SMS 6: I only wanted to be alone with you ok?. Sorry if that bothers you. (your behavior bothers me even more)

SMS 7: You don’t love me, do you? (no answer)

SMS 8: I think you didn’t get my previous txt. You don’t love me, do you? (I don’t)

SMS 9: You are so cruel!! (and you are so….)

SMS 10: so? What do you mean? (no answer, I’m not rude)

Some days after we broke up, he told many women would be thankful to have someone like him around. He also said he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to appreciate the fact of having him in my life. What a shame!

Should I answer?

First, I’m 40. I provide for my kids, I work more than 50 hours a week. I pay my bills (or not, but they are my bills). I clean my house and I cook. I’m educated, good friend, good person and not too ugly. People should be thankful for having met me! LOL

I’m sweet, romantic and considerate if I don’t get 1000 stupid text messages from a whining guy on a Friday night!

Why is it so wrong to act according to my will and not according to the others? Why if I don’t want to share my pillow, or if I don’t want to lie just to make others happy. Saying “I love you” is such a huge thing, and I only say it if I feel it.

It shouldn’t be so knotty, but it is. Being with someone again at my age to avoid loneliness could be a pain in the….neck.

By the way, I won’t try to escape anymore. Being alone is so good sometimes.

I love my two pillows and the right side of my bed.

I have dreams and illusions I wish I could accomplish, but I’m not to be named after a while…..everything vanishes like bubbles.

Believe me, I have jumped out of this cold glass sometimes, and I’ve danced, and sung, loved…..and cried. Going out this reflection may give me five minutes of heaven and a whole life of sorrow. Sometimes I don’t know if I should stay or dare to run away. At least here, pain can’t reach me; tears never last to the following day.

Yes, I know it’s sad, but I know what it feels cleaning the mirror to get the best shines of the people before they leave and then just stay there longing for their coming back. It never happens and if it does, would it be the same?

(Modified from an e-mail I wrote some weeks ago)

I inhabit the interior of the mirror
where those who compose and pose for it will pause the time..
Immersed in my work, I clean the other side,
and this, my better cloth, what a brightness it can make.

From a pale old gold, to a sun whip,
from an discreet opaque to the later storm cloud
to play at will as bee in the garden
of the moon of my endless mirror.

I keep in the enchanted room my main window
to a world that nobody comes to touch.
Country of the illusions, of the daydream and perhaps,
kingdoms that no longer are yearned to be named.

I know about the substances to make the dreams that will always be.
And I know the words that will wake them up.
I know to return over my steps looking after what is gone
or to fly there where I will never see.

Moon of my sad nights, moon of my vanity,
moon of my life, of intimate clarity,
device of the chance, mirror of my heart,
you taught me to see me from your prison.

I inhabit the interior of the mirror
where those who compose and pose for it will pause the time..
I know of my work, the one of playing in the time,
and my best cloth, what a brightness it knows how to do.

- MOOOOOOOOM Why is that man brown?
- Well, because…..

I was trying to find the best answer when I heard:

- Hi brown sir! Manuel greeted.

OMG! Please earth, swallow me now, I thought. Why was he doing that? I was so embarrassed I couldn’t take my eyes from the list I had.

- Good afternoon little guy! The man answered laughing.

I really felt I had to apologize, so I looked at him and I said “I’m sorry, I don’t know why …….”

- “Don’t worry”, he interrupted me with a broad smile. “Maybe you haven’t noticed it, but I AM black”
- “You’re right” I said, and we both started laughing.

Here in Uruguay, where most of the inhabitants are from European decent, the Afro-Uruguayan community is very small, only 4% of our population, if I’m not wrong. For that reason, you can walk long blocks without seeing a black person around. At school, Manuel doesn’t have any Afro-Uruguayan classmate and when Sebastián went to school, he only had one Afro-Uruguayan partner in six years. So no wonder why Manu was so curious when he saw the man.

- “You are not back”. Manuel said. “You are dark brown”

Oh Noooo, here he goes again, I thought to my self. This time I didn’t say anything because….

- “That’s true”. The man answered laughing loudly. And, what color are you?
- I’m light brown.
- So, we are not very different. What do you think?
- Yes, we are……

I was just about to jump into the conversation when Manuel said…

- We are different because I’m a child and you are not. Why are you brown?
- Because my family came from Africa loooooong long time ago.
- When my mother buys a motorbike we will go to Africa.
- Oh, Good idea! It’s a beautiful country.
- Yeap. Good bye, I’m going to play now.
- Good bye

On our way home, I remained in silence thinking about the lack of integration we have with the Afro-Uruguayan community. It shouldn’t be this way. Black people have influenced our music, our culture, our whole country in so many good aspects…..

- Mom, when we go to Africa we can invite our friend from the park.
- Sure baby
- Yeap. Then we have to buy a car, because the motorbike is too small.

I meet a guy, I believe in him, I think it might be him, he is not…,and all over again and again. I meet another guy…………he’s not.

Well, if being loving and nice doesn’t work, one night standing will.
Actually, it is more or less what most men want from me, so it won’t hurt if I behave the same way- heartless- just pure sex and that’s it, and then bye bye, so long aurevoir, arrivederci, adeu, sahionara, auf wiedersehen. Right?

Oh yes! You are so pretty. Can I see you?
Oh, sweety,how come you don’t have a boyfriend? You are gorgeous!
You are so funny, I love spending time with you.
Let me ease your heart. Trust me, please.

Blah blah blah, same old story, same results, same loneliness.
Just -Iwanttogetlaidwithyou- hidden men bullshit.

One night standing will probably work for me from now on. No harm done. No tears. No nothing.
I can manage that. I can be one step ahead, and say adieu before they do it.
I can also learn some nice and attracting lines to fool them.
Oh yes, I bet I can.

I’ll be with my family in my home town for some days. I’ll write a post as soon as I get here.

Well, yes, I do like boxing; however, my post is not related to physical fighting but to my little everyday struggling to be someone better, to accept myself just the way I am, to keep on going no matter what…..NO MATTER WHAT.
I’ve fallen so many times into the darkness that I have a tendency to ignore my ability to crawl back to the brightness. However, the truth is that I do survive after all. Once and again I come back to claim for my most treasured belongings, my life, my dreams, my hopes, my integrity, my smiles.
Once and again I fill myself with a renewed energy that comes from many people around me who never hesitate on giving me a hand, a word, a hug……a view to a new beginning.
Why does this melody brings so many thoughts to me? I see myself winning; getting through bad times, holding tightly the best trophy someone may deserve….another chance to be happy.
The music? Just the background sound of my life
Enjoy with me