Who am I? Why I need so many answers? Why I lie down restless with my eyes wide open? Why my heart has become so untameable?

 Please, tell me why my angel and my devil fight so much….

I AiN’t MiSsInG YoU At aLL

I’ve been walking along a path of shadows and dull lights for ever since I felt he was walking away. That’s how I got to this bifurcation where I’m standing frozen, unable to take a step and trying to make a connection between my heart and my mind, the reason and the emotions…. I wonder if it will be possible any time soon.
Which path should I take? He is long gone and I know I must go on with my life, but then, the path to forgetfulness may be too rough, too painful, and too long. I’ve been into this love for so long that letting it go now makes me tremble with fear. I’m still carrying a heavy load in my heart… all my memories, my expectations and broken dreams. Would I leave behind part of this aching burden as I walk to my future? Would it be always with me as a reminder of what it couldn’t be? I wish I could find the answer.
The other path it’s just a roundabout which will take me to the place I am now…completely alone, loving an impossible and dreaming dreams that no longer belong to me; however, it’s a path I know very well, I know where each stone stands and where the bends become more dangerous….. it will hurt, but it’s a pain I’m used to living with.
Perhaps I should stay still for a while…I may not ready to go anywhere yet.

Now, about my days in Durazno. I had such a good time there! We went to the Calls Parade, we got together with friends, we walked to the camping site to see the groups preparing the drums for The Calls and then Dami and I chatted for hours and hours, we had so much to catching up with that the morning seemed to have broken sooner than ever. Have I told you he’s living almost alone in the middle of the country side and I’ve been alone for more than two years? Boy, we really needed to talk!!! (I imagine Ruth’s face when reading this LOL, behave girl!)
I was about to become sad because I had to come back home when Dami got a phone call saying he didn’t have to work until Tuesday, so he decided to come to my place for some days…he left yesterday night.
I really like having him around, but you should have seen my son’s eyes when he saw Dami.
- Can he stay to play with me? Can he? Can he? Pleaseeeeeeeeee?
Damian has always spent long hours playing with Manu. Every time he’s here, Manuel monopolizes him and Dami lets him do it with so much love. I’ve heard him whispering “I love you Manu” when taking him to sleep in his arms and I know he really does.
On the other hand, Sebastian, my older son, enjoys when Dami comes too. Why? Because he prepares BIG meals that only they can finish!!! And because he takes side with Seba against me to make him laugh and to make me angry….. I enjoy all that parody, we all do.

Going back to the paths…though I laughed a lot all these days and I felt loved and less lonely, this experience also made me realize that I’m not ready to leave my love story behind no matter how much I need to.
I had all the time the sour feeling of being unfaithful to Uriel. I know I wasn’t. There’s no longer a relationship to respect, but still, my heart and my mind are disconnected and my heart seems to rule.
What do you think? Should I take the first step to a new life? Should I forget? Will I be able to do it?

CoMiNg SoOn!!!!

GoInG To ThE CaLLs

Today I’m leaving to Durazno at midnight. It’s gonna be a hard day for me since I have to clean the house, cook, take a 30-minute ride to buy the tickets, tell my neighbor (not the ugly one) to take care of my pets, go to work, come home and work with a private student for another hour, prepare my backpack, take a shower and take the bus to the bus station and then take the bus to Durazno. Ahhhh I’m already tired!!!
Well, I’ll have time to rest once I get there around 2:30 am…..REST?
My friend Damian is getting to Durazno around the same hour, because right now he’s working in the middle of the country side. He’s been there alone for a whole month, which brings me to the same question….REST?
Actually, I know we will spend part of the night trying to catch up (cold beer included) with all that has happened to us.
Dami and I have been friends for a long time and even though he’s much younger than me, we get along really well. I wonder what he would say when I tell him I’m single now. I know he has feelings for me…would he make a move? I hope not, because I’m not ready for a relationship with anybody right now. Now, about another kind of catching up….Oh My!! I’ve been soooooooo lonely these two years LOL, just kidding.
Tomorrow we have “The Calls” which is an important Carnival Parade where you can see groups from all over the country.

I think I’m gonna have a nice time there, I need it so badly.
In the pictures you can see me and Damian one day we went to the “Rambla” to drink MATE and take a walk.
Well my dear family, I’m coming back next Monday. I hope to have many things to tell you.
I love you all.

FrOm SaDnEsS To AnGeR

During all the time I shared my life with him, we used to say certain words or phrases that now I can’t utter any more, like cielo, bebe, me vua mimil, te adoro, and many diminutives and silly things that people use when they are in love, not mentioning the ones we invented. Well, I’ve noticed how difficult has become to say or listen to those words now. I feel that part of my everyday vocabulary suddenly turned against me and it hurts a lot. It’s not necessary to tell you how awful I feel when I think he’s saying all those words to some one else. Gosh, it’s like if everything links me to one of our memories. I’m getting too tired of this feeling…..
Yesterday he sent me a Saint Valentine txt message wishing me a beautiful day, WHAT??? Does he know how much I’m suffering? The thing is that in Puerto Rico people celebrate the day of love and friendship, and I guess he sent the message for the friendship part, anyway WHAT?????? I could have sent HIM a thousand messages because I still love him, but not him, he deserted me and I have nothing to celebrate!! I would have preferred to get a txt about whatever he wanted to tell me, but not something related to that day. He sent his message form his phone and the he sent me another one from the Movistar webpage to confirm I had gotten the previous one….WHAT?? I answered him very nicely and politely, but inside my heart I was crying in silence.
I’ve been feeling better though, at least I don’t have that feeling of emptiness in my chest and I’ve have smiled some times these days….still I’m not the Analia you know but I’ll get there, just give me time.
Last night, I was trying to find a sad song that reflected this moment of my life and I came across one that hit the nail on the head. I showed it to my friend Cale and he says I’m being a little cruel. Actually, I know that if I translate it, Ruth, Auds and Stewie might tell me off and say I shouldn’t think that way. What can I say? I listened to this song and a heavy burden left my body, it was such a relief. Of course I don’t want to see him suffering, and I would NEVER wish him anything bad, however today and ONLY for today despite of all my love, this is the perfect song for him.
A good friend of mine says that after the clouds of sadness go away, the clouds of anger come…only then the sky opens and we can finally stretch out under the sun and heal our wounds. He may be right.
By the way, I’m going to Durazno again this weekend to visit my friend Damian; I have some ideas in mind about catching up with certain things…let’s see if I dare LOL ( I wonder if you can read my mind this time)
I see you later family, love you all.

Now, the lyrics….do some Babel fish translation this time : )

Ojalá que te mueras que se abra la tierra
y te hundas en ella que todos te olviden.Ojalá que te cierren las puertas del cielo y
que todos te humillen que se llene tu
alma de penas y entre más te duelan
que más te lastimen.

Ojalá que te mueras que tu alma se vaya
al infierno y que se haga eterno tu
llanto, ojalá pagues caro el haberme
engañado aun queriéndote tanto que se
claven espinas en tu corazón si es que
aun tienes algo.

Ojalá sea un tormento acordarte de mi
si es que un día lo haces, ojalá sea tanto
el dolor que supliques perdón y se vuelva
tan insoportable.

Ojalá que te mueras que todo tu mundo
se vaya al olvido se que no debo odiarte
pero es imposible tratar de olvidar lo
que hiciste conmigo.

Ojalá que te mueras que todo tu mundo
se quede vacío, ojala cada gota de
llanto te queme hasta el alma ojalá que
no encuentres la calma ojalá que te
mueras.

Ojalá sea un tormento acordarte de mi…

Ojalá que te mueras que todo tu mundo…

Ojalá que te mueras que todo tu mundo…

I’m sTiLL StAnDiNg

Some time ago I learned a word from Ruth that has become very important in my life: Serendipity. In these days that I’m going through, no other word is better than this one to explain what has happened to me.
The day I found out about the end of my love story I wanted to die, that’s the naked truth. I could have done anything to ease my pain, however it was not meant to happen. A private student was with me at that moment, more a friend than a student actually, and he stayed by my side, watching after me for hours. Another friend was on her way home, and suddenly she felt the urgency of coming to my house, she didn’t know why, but now I’m glad she came.
I met long time ago a boy named Jose Alberto, whose nick is Baby Jordan; he became my cyber nephew and I love him with all my heart. He was without internet connection for some months, so we lost contact for a while, guess what! He appeared out of nothing that day late at night in my MSN saying TITI I LOVE YOU, (titi means aunty) He made me smile despite of all my tears.
In 2000 I had a Swedish boy, an exchange student, living in my house for a whole year and soon he became like a son for us. For different reasons we lost contact some years ago, so I’ve been looking for him since then. Last week I came across a phone number in the white pages of Sweden and I sent a TXT message just in case. It was him!!!! He answered yesterday and I smiled again for the second time. SERENDIPITY!!!!
It goes without saying that my blog family has been right there for me in this moment of sorrow, and though it might not be serendipity this time with them, it was serendipity the day they felt something wrong was going on and they started asking and sending emails to check if everything was all right.
Maybe God put his hand on me, because I feel I’ve been blessed in so many ways.
Yes, I’m still sad, but I’m not blind. I can see that there’s magic in life and that I’m loved. That’s reason enough to start picking up the pieces of my heart and keep on walking, isn’t it?
Love you all.

I translated the song in 2 minutes, so there might be mistakes, however it’s a beautiful one and I wanted to share it with you today…..it’s my heart speaking.

Nobody speaks to me about you, yet I miss you
I can’t resign myself to forgetting you, even though the years go by
What is of you? Where are you?
How far are you from my loneliness?How much I wish to know if you still remember me,
If you’ve asked for me, if my absence hurts you
What has changed in you, and in your heart?
How has your life go on after my love?

Since you are not here, I can’t any longer find again the meaning of freedom
I can’t image to start again without you
I want to know what happened to you.
Since you are not here…….happened to you.

Since you are not here, only pain lives in me.
My life goes away without knowing about you.

Since you are not here, I can’t any longer find again the meaning of freedom
I can’t image to start again without you
I want to know what happened to you.
Since you are not here…….happened to you.

Since you are not here, only pain lives in me.
My life goes away without knowing about you……my love.

FoRsAkEn

My deepest fear has become true and now I wonder what it will be of me without him in my life….I feel I won’t be able to go on….I’m sure I won’t be.
I could sense he was drifting apart…that’s something a woman in love never gets wrong…he never dared to admit the end was coming…not until today…the worst day I have never gone through.
The only man I have truly loved decided to move on, leaving me immerse in complete darkness, frightened, and distraught.
And now, where will I find strength to go on if he was my pillar and my foundation…..I’m falling down and what you see it’s what is left from me, just the rubbles of a woman who gave everything she had for this man.
I won’t beg, he won’t hear me saying please come back, but inside my heart there’s a voice shouting “please don’t go away”.
Yes, I know you will tell me that time heals all wounds, that I have to be strong, that there’s hope if there is life…you may be right, but I’m too sad, too tired…I can’t believe there’s a tomorrow for me.
No, I won’t die yet I’m already dead. Those who have loved as I do will understand what I feel.
His love for me has died and I’m grieving.
Some of you have read my story with him…..well, my prince finally gave me the coup of grace….the last stabbing.
I’m mourning my dead dreams my friends, I need time to reassure myself if that is possible…..I can’t see any light right now.
I’m sorry to disappoint all of you….I don’t feel like dancing or smiling, though I know that’s what you always expect from me. I’m falling in a bottomless pit and there’s no way out.
I love him so much, I only want to cry and cry ‘till I drop asleep…..I just can’t go on.

I wonder if he is happy now….I wonder if I deserved this pain….I wonder if she will love him as I do or if he will love her as he loved me once…long time ago.
I’m gone. Don’t worry for me. I love you all

GoNe WiTh ThE WiNd

No, it’s not an illusion…it’s me!! I’m back!
I’ve been through so many things that now I need some time to organize my ideas to tell you comprehensibly about these days away.
First thing, the real cause of my “nonappearance”, I was pickpocketed some days ago, and this situation brought many collateral damages. The last money I had was GONE, therefore, I couldn’t pay the electricity bill and the light was GONE. My documentation was GONE so I had to get everything done again, my good mood was GONE, so I didn’t want to sit in front of my pc and finally, I was GONE for the weekend because if I had stayed in my house my common sense would be GONE by now as well.
Let’s talk about the weekend I spent in Durazno, a city in the middle of my country, which sounds better than all the other gone things.
I went to visit someone, a friend I haven’t seen in months. We had a really good time, we chatted a lot and we went to a folk festival that takes place every year in February.
It was a great idea to go there since yesterday I started working again and that was my last summer activity…..well, I still have the weekends, but it’s not the same.I’ll be visiting you tonight or early tomorrow. Wait for me ok?
Love you all